There are empty desks everyday, not to be filled again for a long time.
The thing that sucks the most about these layoffs is that I don’t quite understand where they come from.
Is it based on work performance?
Is it based on return on salary?
Or maybe just based on personal preferences?
Maybe its random?
The thing is, it’s really hard to keep cool when things like this happen.
Not being able to understand why these things are happening, and wondering if this is just my problem for choosing shitty workplaces that fire their employees like they are worth nothing….
It’s quite hard to fathom.
I just wish things would settle down after some time, so that I can learn and work in peace,
Yesterday, I started a new hobby which was reading my mental and emotional state by using tarot cards.
I know there are a lot of people and professionals out there, but these posts will mostly be for looking back at the way I feel about the cards I chose.
Hopefully, it will tell me more about how I see things, and also help me think in a brighter light about situations that I struggle with.
Last night, I found out that someone who means a lot to me got into an argument about being close with me. They say that it was not personal in any way– and I think it was more of just an act of cautiousness.
The card on the bottom is how I feel now:
While the cards on each side tell me the results of choosing to confront, or to stay quiet respectively.
The Page of Pentacles in the middle looks sincere, and the background behind hints at a bright future. For me, the image gave me a feeling of peace and focus. I am not too worried about the situation at hand, but rather focusing on the things in front of me– which are more related to financial and physical things.
Perhaps news from my company and the way I feel about career is reflected in this card.
On the Left hand is the Justice Card.
The female is sitting on a throne waring a red robe. She does not seemed bothered very much, but is also holding a sword, hinting at the fact that there will be a decision to be made.
If I choose to confront this person about their emotions and how they feel towards me, I will try to find the most balanced results while also making a very sharp decision. The choice between what is right and wrong will be in my hands, where all truths will be weighed on a objective scale and logical resoning rather than merely emotions.
On the Right, is The Star.
The young female in the star symbolizes a peace, and a guiding light. It could mean that this is the way I feel most comfortable going as the results of this path are clear. Water, often symbolizing emotions– is poured out onto the land and into the lake in front of her. Perhaps the ability for me to give and receive emotions in a guided manner will help me be at peace with myself if I choose to stay quiet and let myself find inner peace.
As a Bonus, I picked another card, which is more positioned to the right hand side.
It would be to wait things out and see what happens in the future. The three of Pentacles is a card that expresses the possibility of being able to prove myself in a situation. Funny enough, there is a person on a bench, looking as if to explain something important to the people in front of him.
If I wait for my chance, perhaps the right timing will come for me to prove myself, without having to embrace the stress of fidning justice. Instead of making rash decisions and putting myself in a hard place that forces me to stay just and impartial, I can wait things out to see the further opportunities I have.
Looking at my cards, I think that this was a good reflection of how I feel about this subject
How I feel: Peaceful, focused on something else
Choose to confront: Will need to make a decision, Impartial Relationship based on logic
Do not Confront: Feels like the right thing to do, heart is guiding me to act this way, peaceful with my emotions
Choose to Wait: There will come an opportunity where I will be able to earn the acceptance of others, but perhaps this is not the right timing to do so. Could result in a mess if underprepared.
What happens when work and money is related to morality?
Today, I talked to my therapist about the ethics of life.
He pointed out that ethical decisions make up a lot of my choices. giving me an example situation as so:
If my child was running a high fever and I had no money, AND the nearest drugstore was closed with nobody at the counter, what would I do?
Me, I would go running out and look for a new one with someone with the empathy to lend me some painkillers.
Strangely enough, I would not go in and steal some medication. Didn’t even cross my mind.
Perhaps it is because I don’t have the guts to.
Maybe, it’s because I don’t have a child yet, and I don’t know how it feels.
Or maybe, it’s a result of my conscience– one that was drilled into me since childhood.
Any how, making decisions that go against my ethics and values is a hard choice. But I find peace in the fact that I can take responsibility in my actions and choices.
Whenever I find that the results of things in front of me are the outcomes of unethical decisions, it hurts me to a point where I lose respect for those involved. Often times, I find that the most desperate to succeed will make unethical decision. Why is this?
Acting like a good person will not make you a good one. Making selfish decisions and sugarcoating it to make yourself look good– well, people will find out in the end.
I believe in the power of hard work, but progress should never be the result of throwing others under the bus.
Making sacrifices for yourself and your career is inevitable. But sacrificing the happiness of others to veil yourself in a shroud of lies– I believe that things will ultimately find its way around.
After all. Karma’s a bitch.
Seeing so many occasions of people losing their morals just for a moment of success makes me sick.
I wonder what it is.
Is losing all sense of morality something that is necessary for success?
Can these decisions and choices be justified with good results?
Should people do all it takes just to be rich– even at the expense of others?
If I choose to be ambitious, will I become this monster that I loathe so much?
To choose between morality and wealth is a hard question, but there must be a place in between.
In a utopian workspace, everyone would come in to the office at their own time of convenience.
We would come to work only 2 times a week, from 10AM to 3PM. One hour would be spent managing tasks and giving each other follow-ups. Constructive criticism would be short, concise, respectful, and maybe also humorous.
11 AM, we would eat lunch and share tea times with our coworkers, talking casually about the work that needs to be done.
Meetings are quick, with very little interruptions in between.
On days when there is a lot to do, people would come into the office but would be allowed to recline in their chairs and take 30-minute naps. Some would climb under their desk and pull out their pillows and blankets, close the curtains and fall asleep.
People would respect each other and their work, everyone working as best as they can even without any pressure. When tight deadlines are due, superiors would pressure people with positive reinforcement such as raises and bonuses.
Computers and desks would be top-notch. Free food and snacks for all employees, both healthy and delicious. Once a week employees would be given time to do self-constructive activities of their wish, whether that is reading, exercising, studying, attending seminars, or conferences.
All people would be able to bring their (trained) dogs to work with them. The company would allow 15-minute walk times for dog owners after lunch.
Family events, personal health, and mental health awareness would come first. Employees would love the company and not take advantage of its benefits.
That’s what I would consider a Utopian workplace. How about you?
150 young souls were killed in a tragic accident in Itaewon this Halloween.
After 3 years into the COVID-19 pandemic, this year was the first “no-mask” Halloween festival in a long time. The crowd funneled into a narrow alley next to the Hamilton Hotel, located just near the Line 6 Subway station. As the crowd surged like a wave, a number of people at the front of the slope tripped and fell, causing a domino effect where people toppled on top of each other. Media claims that the small incline of the hill where the alley was located could have increased the pressure of the stampede to around 16T at the bottommost part of the crowd.
That night, ambulances and police cars lined the streets of Itaewon. All emergency medical workers and even passersby in costumes who work in the medical field took turns performing CPR on the patients who went through cardiac arrest. People were carrying out patients into the streets as the crowd still failed to disperse due to the high density of people that had accumulated in the narrow area. The festive atmosphere of Halloween suddenly turned grim as the death count kept rising until noon of the following day.
All weekend, TV channels were giving live broadcasts on the situation that took place on Saturday. Most of the deaths in this incident were people in their teens or 20s. Many families are shocked at the unexpected deaths of their young sons and daughters. The whole country is in a period of mourning. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering the families of these people are going through. The whole country is at a loss for words after this unimaginable tragedy. Please pray for Itaewon.
I feel terrible. I was at my parent’s house when I heard about this incident.
My boyfriend’s parents called us at 12:00 AM that night, telling us that 40 people had gone into cardiac arrest. They had seen pictures of young bodies covered in sky blue body bags, with their bare legs sticking out of the tarps onto the bare pavement. They were worried that we were there at the scene, and when we picked up, his parents were almost in tears.
My boyfriend and I were there the night before the incident. We partied for about 3 hours and left before 11:00. Coming home, we talked about how close our encounter with death was, and how futile life was. No one was safe from that accident. All those people there were just there to have a good time. People who were pushing the crowd down probably didn’t have a clue that those bodies on the street were actually dead. Policemen and Firefighters, Medical Workers in the area were probably mistaken for disguised partiers.
The irony of this incident still gives me the chills. The proximity of death, the tragedy veiled in festivity, the franticness of all those professionals deemed as Halloween costumes, the loss of so many young souls. It spooks me how such a familiar place was the scene of death for 154 deaths just 2 days ago. I think I won’t be able to go back for a while. And at the same time, I feel terrible for this feeling of gratitude. I hope all those young men and women find peace and I pray for their families who will most likely be suffering from excruciating pain.
All my life, I have lived as a person who is not great at anything in particular. This had its perks, because everything I did was never BAD. It was mediocre. I spoke 3 different languages, played the guitar, knew how to sing, played sports in high school, won a silver medal in boxing in middle school, and even scored pretty well in different subjects like math and history. (I do not do well in those areas now.)
Once graduating college, I found that being mediocre in everything also meant that I didn’t excel in anything else. They even had a word for it– a “generalist.”
I am still at a period where I am discovering the things I want to do most. I published a book 2 years ago, (which failed-– of course) I took a job at a doggy daycare center where I learned basic dog training and grooming, and I also worked at a failed NFT company for a few months, which I was kicked out of (for calling my boss out, but that’s a whole different story)
With all these changes, I kept spiraling down into an endless pit of self-loathe, hating myself for the fact that I had not done anything right. Even today, I still feel like a bad daughter, a bad employee, a bad girlfriend, and a bad pet owner at times.
At this new job, I started off in an operations team, and soon after– my manager left the company. I was sent to business development, which I had never done before. I was okay with a change, in fact, my tarot reading had told me that this change would benefit my career. (Cannot say I have one right now anyway.) The change ended up with me taking care of tasks related to pre-sales, making news and media for buzz marketing, writing blog articles to boost visibility… etc.
The funny thing about the job that I am doing right now is that it excites me a lot. It has a very small connection to business development though. I am continuously learning about new tools, services, SEO strategies, and content writing tactics…. which are all very interesting and fun.
In the near future, I will be going from business development to the content marketing team. Yay, another change, right? Exciting as it is, I am still terrified that this change for me will be another tiny step down the spiral of self-loathing.
I hate being a generalist. I would rather excel at one thing and be less than par in other fields rather than be mediocre at everything all at once. At this point, I am worried that being “okay”at everything will ultimately ruin my career.
I hope that this job will make me a semi-specialist in one field… and if not…. how many more job titles will I need to go through to find my path?
The reason I started this blog is to keep a memory of all the small moments in life.
I often fail to remember the good days when everything seems so bleak. Sometimes I forget how far I’ve come. I am rarely wise enough to be thankful for every waking moment. I hope that this blog will allow me to remember the details in life that are so easy to forget.
There are stories that I will talk about later as time goes on, some which I do not have the courage to share at this moment.
But I hope that one day, I will be proud of myself enough to look back at these entries and laugh. 🙂
Ridia's Green Barley 
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