First mental breakdown after my mom’s death

I feel drained. My energy is low.

Yesterday, I was talking to my partner about how surprising it is that I am going through everyday tasks,

possibly even more tasks- with the inheritance issues and everything–

despite all the pain I am in.

But even though I try to express my feelings and be open about the state I am in,

It’s not easy for me to let it all out.

I cry often when I am alone. Mostly in the car, or writing on this blog

I think it’s the effect of being alone with my thoughts.

Right now, its really hard for me to keep going through things in my head, yet I can’t really seem to stop them.

With so many thing going on- time doesn’t stop for anyone.

I have a whole list of things that need to be done until the end of next December,

none of which can be compromised-

And I feel like the weight is mostly on me.

Even after so much planning, things not going the way I planned them

really messes with my head.

Finances, time, career, legal issues- none of which I can prioritize at the moment.

What do I do in times like these?

What do I do when I am overwhelmed at everything, but no one sees?

Therapy after mom’s death

I have been off my meds for over a week. No visible side effects, although I can’t seem to understand my own feelings.

Today i booked a quick appointment with my T, who looked shocked to hear about my mom’s death.

We talked about grieving and pain

I talked about how my extended family had hurt me with their words, words meant to be helpful… but caused more pain

I told him i cried in front of my dad, and he in front of I.

I told him we had two more patients moving in to our house.

I didnt have enough time to grieve, yet faced with new obstacles that must be treated

Loss is similar to pain, and grief is similar to anger.

The emotions I have, I can’t fully undetstand.

I hold back tears, even when I am broken.

Why is it so hard for me to let go and let myself heal?

Numbness, talking to myself, seeing or hearing things may happen in the span of the coming month.

Bought my meds, and heading back to work. To the gym, actually. In hopes physical strain can heal my damaged heart.

So maintaining a healthy lifestyle gets harder every year.

Emotional health, bad.

Mental health, bad.

Physical health, bad.

Financial Status, bad.

So basically I’m using money to go to hospitals to take medication for my neck pain

While trying to go to the therapist every week to make sure I can keep living everyday life without breaking down

And trying to stay at work to pay for those bills and the rest of my life

And at the same time trying not to get fired by giving up time I can spend on making my mental and physical health better

And trying to create a side hustle just in case Plan A fails

Seriously, for all of you working out while keeping a career and a healthy mind..

How the F*** are you keeping that up?

Way to go… because I’m at the starting line again.

Life has so many tasks and just too little time.