A Letter to mom #5

Mom, me and dad are doing great.

He’s working again, and we are taking care of two little fluffy cats. I know how much you loved animals.

Surprisingly enough, we are still taking care of the things you left behind-

and I have to say, it’s quite a pain in the butt.

Every time I feel like I’m forgetting the pain a little, there comes another incident where I have to talk about you, or share about you, or even be accused of trying to steal your money…

Strange world, huh.

Anyway, we’re meeting my future husband’s parents this weekend.

Dad got a nice short, hair cut and it’s looking really nice.

I really wish you were here. Sometimes I imagine you taking care of your grandchildren, or crying as I walk down the aisle…

And it really comes back to that surreal feeling that I might see you again.

It’s really hard to explain.

Weather’s warming up. I miss you lots.

With love,

Ridia.

A letter to mom #2

Mom, I have been sleepless for two nights.

I wish I was thinking of something, or even remembering a memory, but it doesn’t seem to be the case.

I’m just there, thinking of nothing.

When I do fall asleep, I long to see you.

I want to walk with you in green fields and along the coasts of a sunny beach.

Instead, everyone else I know seems to come into my dreams.

As tired as I am, I still walk around with a smile on my face.

Sometimes, I feel so strong.

Sometimes, I feel that I will just evaporate into the cold winter air.

People have been treating me kindly.

I have been trying to do the same.

You have always told me to be a good person, and day by day I learn to understand what you meant.

Day by day, there are more things to do

And soon, I will be pushing away the grief inside of me and filling with other things.

I dread that day where I might not be able to remember your face.

Yours always,

Ridia

A letter to mom #1

Mom, I miss you.

I know you barely recognized me in your last days, but I still miss your presence.

Dad and I have a better relationship now, maybe thanks to you.

You always looked out for us, and guessing by the people at your funeral-

everyone around you too.

People say that the heavens were jealous that we had you.

They say God took you, because heaven is where you belong.

I want to cry every day, but sadly for me- time goes on.

Wherever you are, I hope you aren’t in the pain I am in.

I hope you are free.

I hope you’re not in pain.

I hope you’re happier.

I hope, you can’t see me and dad live in this place without you.

Because I know you would want to come back for us.

You were the world to me, and I was the whole world to you.

No matter what, I would always love to be your family again.

I’ll always be your family.

We had a complicated relationship, with happiness and grief.

But that is what makes us human right.

I’ll always think of you.

Maybe not every day. Maybe not every week.

As time goes on, I hope that I learn to think of you less.

But you will always have a place in my heart.

Your daughter,

Ridia

My moms funeral

Quite the contrary to my initial concern… Its unbelievable how many people were at my moms funeral.

The sheer number of visitors said a lot about the life she lived as an actress, friend, family member, and coworker.

It is very uncommon for so many tears to be shed at a korean funeral.

Most times, the visits are often quite professional, to say the least.

Many people hand in money, sign their name, say their goodbyes and leave.

My mom’s friends and coworkers still text her number, even a week after ther death.

They send her pictures of how happy they were to know her. Of the great memories they had, how exciting it was to meet her and work with her.

I hate that she left at such an early age, and of such bizzarre causes.

I wanted her to see me get married, to hold her grandchildren, to act on stage again.

But maybe, she just had enough.

This was what we wanted perhaps. Maybe those who are left are in more pain than those who have passed.

Never again, I believe will I see such a mix of emotions in a funeral house.

With nothing to pass on, with no other need to visit than just great emotions

Her life was a gift to others, and they will remember

She was an inspiration. She was pure joy. She was love in human form.

It was an honor to hold my place, in such a crowded room.

It was healing for myself too, to embrace her friends who teared up at the sight of me- because “I look just like her”

I am her living legacy, along with many countless works and films that captured her passion for acting.

And 2023 will start as a year of healing and overcoming the loss of someone very special to me.

Reminders of a loved one

Heading back home after a day with my family, stress levels were high.

Literally any song on the radio could bring me to tears that day.

I also noticed that everyday things were all memories of loved ones. People that I would soon lose.

I found that looking at those things would one day bring me tears of joy or tears of sorrow, grieving over what once was there.

Photo by Aljona Ovtu0161innikova on Pexels.com

Mango Juice: My grandma still keeps shit tons of mango juice at her house. She didn’t even know what mango was until I came and lived with her. It was the only juice I would drink as a child, and she still remembers how much I loved it. Seeing juice boxes and 1 liter bottles of mango juice at her house still makes me a little teary.

Baobab Trees and Gypsophila: My moms favorite plants. She was a curious soul. Mom would be fascinated by how the baobab had roots on their tree tops. She loved The Little Prince. She had a wonderful, childlike innocence. Mom also loved Gypsophila. She loved them more than roses. When people gifted her with a bouquet, she would tell me how much she loved the white little bulbs that supported the beauty of the roses.

Small things hold so much meaning when linked to beautiful memories. It reminds me of so much more than just a certain period of time or an event– but more of the person and the people they used to be.

Some things are so hard to let go.