I have never really learned to express other emotions rather than joy and sadness. I cry when I am sad, angry, jealous, tired, and even when I am bored. Most of the time when I cry, I am alone. Sometimes, I am with my lover. Sometimes, I’m just black-out drunk and in the middle of a parking lot. (True story from just 2 months ago)
I always knew I was a sensitive person. But it’s not just about things that happen to me though.
It’s like I have the ability to see through people’s words and expressions, feel their pain, their anger, their shame. And even if the moment passes for them– I am left with a baggage of emotional waste that no one asked me to carry. Who do I go to then? No one. I keep it inside. Sometimes it inspires me, sometimes it drags me down, and sometimes it gets me to trust things and people that should not be trusted.
I often ask myself, why?
Am I that incapable of controlling my feelings? Are my feelings something that just cannot be tamed? What is wrong with me? Why do I always care for other people more than I do for myself, and try to get into things that I’m not capable of handling? Am I an empath, or am I just dumb?
I wonder if there are more people out there in the world who think the same way I do. I would love to join a healthy community where I can share my feelings and emotions with people who understand me. When life becomes a shitshow, would be nice to have a family who go through the same things I do, see life from my point of view, and where I could feel safe and accepted.
There is nothing wrong with my family now, and I love them so very dearly. What bothers me though is that I feel ashamed to let my true self show, even to myself when I’m around people I love. I sometimes neglect the part inside of me that keeps screaming for attention. I also neglect my fears and sadness, no matter how hard I try to face them.
They haunt me sometimes.