Unlike all the TikTok trends, (knock knock knock, its my birthday! trend)
The hour of my birthday was pretty sad.
I had visited my parents’ house, with a cake and a birthday cone to celebrate with the ones I loved the most.
The result: a crying mom, and a father who had been busy.
Which is not… bad… I guess.
Dad was out with his coworkers celebrating his promotion (that he had not told me about, and found out in the morning) thinking that we would be visiting him this morning.
Easy to mistake. Simple miscommunication right?
Mom was telling me that she wanted to die after this meal (my birthday meal..) because I was old enough to take care of myself.
Somehow, I kept it together during my mom’s breakdown, laughing the tears away. But when my dad apologized for “not being there for my only daughter’s birthday,” it brought me to tears.
Honestly, I don’t know why.
I guess I just wanted to be cared for. And to know that he cared, but couldn’t make it was a big disappointment.
There is something about birthdays that make me want things that I normally don’t expect.
And the more I expect, the more I am disappointed.
I am loved by so many friends and family members. They all congratulate me and send me love, and I know that I have lived a pretty awesome life.
The thing about having a mental disorder is that sometimes my feelings and my head don’t seem to make sense to eachother. I fear things and worry about things that need not be worried about, and get disappointed for things that clearly in my head I know is not personal.
Today is a bit better. I’m taking the day off with my partner at a quiet mountain resort. The air is nice and foggy, just how I like it actually.
I’m allowed wine and beer in the middle of the day, and I pet some cats who came by to get some food. Cute.