What do I do when my mom is dying

Death is a reality that lurks over you everyday when a family member is sick.

For me, this Thursday was one of the darkest days of my life.

My dad called at 9 PM telling me to come home and help him get my mom to the ER.

I wasn’t very shocked, she had gone through much worse at times.

When I arrived, that was when it hit me.

My mom’s eyes were blurry, mouth open. Dad had told me she hadn’t been eating for days.

He had told me that day was when things got really bad.

The caregiver who comes to our house 4 hours a day had told my dad she wanted to quit. She was scared that my mom might die in her arms.

Of course it’s scary. Scarier thing is that she might survive and no one will be there to take care of her.

Anyway, first things first. We literally heaved her up into the car.

Her body was aching, her joints were hard.

She was losing consciousness in the back of the car, laying on my boyfriend’s arms.

When we got there, the doctors at the ER told us that her vitals were weak.

I never thought I would hear that in real life.

They sped her past the waiting lines of patients and into a restricted area, and had given her multiple shots.

Dad says they had trouble finding her pulse.

All I could do, is pray.

Pray to whom, well that is still a question that I can’t answer.

They asked if we wanted life support. This is the end I thought.

The end of pain, but also the end of my relationship with my mom. I was confused, sad, angry at the world. I wanted to give in and let go of all the burden I had in my heart.

I prepared myself for loss. I said my goodbyes quietly.

Then she regained consciousness. Her eyes came back and filled with life.

I was perplexed at how relieved and worried I was.

Did I want my mom to die? Surely not. But did I?

What was this emotion I was going through?

Today, I went to my therapist. I needed it. But I had no words to say.

I felt okay. I felt sad. But it wasn’t the end of the world.

I still don’t understand the emotions that I am going through. It’s hard enough for me to have to face death, but it hurts more just to be alive for all of it.

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