The fear of being alone in grief.

A very strange sensation that occurs after the loss of a parent is the fear of being alone in grief.

For me, that moment is now. Two weeks after my mom passed.

During the weeks after the funeral, I spent my days taking care of my mom’s financial loans and inheritance.

It was burdening financially as it was time-wise and emotionally.

Every time I would look at her driver’s license or hand in some paperwork with the words “deceased” on it,

I was forced to let her go, one set of paperwork at a time.

But I still got up and went to work. I had bills to pay, my mom’s bills to pay- and mouths to feed.

Every day in the office for two weeks- I worked harder, to get the days, the weeks behind me.

“After a few days, time will heal-” … “After a few weeks- time will heal these wounds.” This is what I kept telling myself.

But as every day passed by, the more the reality of it sunk in.

She was gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

Still in my heart- it’s so hard for me to let her go. I guess I’m scared I will forget her if I don’t hold on.

The only time I spend alone is in my car. That’s the only time I cry without being embarrassed or disturbed.

At home, my partner- At my parent’s house- my father, and anywhere outside- everyone else.

I had to keep strong, just to live the life that my mom would have wanted for me. Just to give them the reassurance that though I am in pain, I will be alright.

I had the feeling that I needed to keep moving, because the lives of everyone around me just went back to normal- even when everyday, I was struggling more and more to keep up with everyday activities like getting up or brushing my teeth.

Today, I woke up and wanted to sleep forever. I wanted to quit my job. I wanted to evaporate off the earth.

I spent a few hours in the lobby of my company’s wework, crying and trying to focus.

Things didn’t get better. I told my superiors about how I just couldn’t face people right now-

How I found it hard to stay in the office without tearing up-

How I said my goodbyes with every paper I turned in-

And how the tree where my mom was buried now had a tag with her name on it.

It has begun to sink in that, I won’t ever see her again.

I keep wanting to grieve, and stopping myself from grieving at the same time- because of the pain.

I feel so alone and misunderstood. I feel that the sadness is choosing to isolate me from the people I love- yet the company of just me- not having to do anything- is quite comforting and spooky at the same time.

If time heals these wounds, I wish I knew what to do for the time being.